Body Image

This is not the point but it is the truth
I was seven the first time that I remember someone
Telling me I was too fat
It was some nameless person
That didn’t know what he or she was saying
Or what it would do to a little girl
Who still believed she could be a princess
Sometimes I think about that little girl
And I cry for her
Because she was so innocent
She didn’t know that there were rules
About what her body should be

This is not the point but it is the truth
I was ten
The first time someone called me ugly
And I didn’t know what to do
I was ten and I thought I looked okay
I should have been concerned
With my math homework that night
But I couldn’t stop thinking about it
Because every little girl wants to be pretty

This is not the point, but it is the truth
I was eleven
When I decided that I was going to change
So I developed a mantra
(Skinny is the only pretty)
And would repeat it whenever I got hungry
And suddenly I wouldn’t want food so much anymore
Because it all tasted like ash
It worked, of course
I lost at least fifteen pounds that summer
It continued for two years
I lost more weight
And everyone said how much of an improvement it was
Later I would learn there was a name for what I'd done
(It’s called Anorexia, the limiting type)
But that would be later
All I knew then was that I didn't feel pretty

This is not the point but it is the truth
I was sixteen
And I didn’t know what to do
And I was so afraid to get up
And get dressed because
She always commented
And made me feel so low

This is all real
This is all the truth
But it isn’t the point I’m trying to make

Here is the point:
I was born six weeks premature
And have always had genetics working against me
I am immunocompromised, and as such my life is a string of recurring illnesses, this will probably never change
I take up to seven different medications a day
Some of my earliest memories are of hospital and doctor visits and waking to find my mother holding the nebulizer up to my face
I have struggled with eczema that has left my body scarred and left me stifling my tears in a pillow in the middle of the night because it itched and ached so badly and I didn’t want to wake anyone up –- it’s a constant hum that I’m resisting even now
Asthma, which sometimes makes it feel like I’m drowning on dry land, unable to get the oxygen i so desperately need
And allergies, that have almost taken my life from me, and have made me scared to leave the house

I have been everywhere trying to find answers from Mount Sinai in New York City when I was seven, to The National Institute of Health when I was fourteen
In a way my parent’s desperate search for answers has become my own,
In this that I refuse to let another child feel like they are only their malfunctioning parts

I was put on steroids before I was old enough to swallow pills
Steroids that probably saved my life
But have also changed my body in ways
That I will never be able to escape,
The moon face has faded with time, but other things will be in my life until i die
I will always bare the chains upon my shoulders, or rather on the steroid formed hump on my back

Here is the point:
I am not perfect
No matter how much I exercise
I will never look like the girls I have envied since I was old enough
To know that I should envy
But there is value in strength and health over an ideal picture
And it’s ever so easy to love yourself when you have no one to compare yourself to
It’s hard to get up in the morning and say
I am beautiful when you feel anything but
Even harder to understand that you are special and important not for your outside but your insides

Here is the point
I am seventeen, caught between two pivotal birthdays
I have a terrible flare for dramatics, I sometimes have to consciously reign it in
Despite being able to write this I could never speak about it, I would stutter and flounder, I am more eloquent on paper then in practice, it's something I'm working on
I'll graduate high school this year and be one step closer to being able to make a difference in the world
My family and my friends are the best, and I am always thankful
My parents inspired a fierce love of literature in me at a young age and it’s the best thing they have ever done for me
I love floral dresses and scarfs, I have more than a slight obsession with scarves
I adore marvel movies and superheroes that aren’t quite perfect
I love the beach and the ocean, the sounds of waves crashing and the taste of salt on my tongue
I have had to be brave for so long that it doesn’t feel like an act anymore, but something I actually am, I am finding that bravery does in fact suite me
I am as healthy and as happy as I have ever been

Yet you judge me with a glance?
What does that say about you?
About Society?